And here we go...

New semester starting today; winter break blew through, as did Christmas and New Year’s Day. Would there have been more peace of mind if I’d written out all the negativity I’ve felt, that has unfortunately occurred through the holidays? Part of me still really tries to retain the child-like essence embedded so deep within my heart. I cannot help but see the winter time as a chance to be magical. To capture romantic moments, even in Florida. It’s my own doing, I suppose, when I allow myself to be so hopeful towards new memories that I try to envision and daydream about all year; to feel disenchanted once more. Why must there be so much cynicism? Hearing in every corner that holidays are overrated, or that just because they are broke it means it’s a bad year. All I asked for was a great memory, but ultimately, I guess that truly was such an impossible gift to attain.

And so here we go, on to the New Year. On to more growth and self-learning, observing, loving, dreaming. It doesn’t matter how many times I’m pulled back to reality, trampled by practicality- I will always be such a dreamer. To dream and see the beauty and hope that resides in everything; all the possibilities. I still refuse to allow another displeasing situation drag me entirely into such warming sorrows. That could be why it always stings a bit when my daydreams never become a truth, a real moment- a real memory. Nonetheless, it is a sting that is welcomed. Carlos wrote such a simple line not too long ago that resonates in such a familiar place for me- we are very much alike, it would seem. “It doesn’t hurt, it works into my soul and then I am warm.” I kept thinking about that yesterday. I went on a long walk with Sing after I got home, constantly finding myself in a state of flow. My sense of time has been awful lately. I’ve been in my head, my own world more so than the reality I’m slightly avoiding.
I thought about pain- and why I’ve been hurting more. Why I’ve been enjoying the hurt. Contemplating why pain and pleasure coincide so well together. What makes us have that bit of masochism? I am both intrigued and hesitant sometimes to really embrace the idea. It’s the entire concept of a tattoo; we remember each experience and analyze what level of pain to associate with it. My sunflower for Shannon hurt, but I invited it, accepted it because I knew the ending result was absolutely worth it. Also, once you leap and let the ink drop- you don’t stop. Close your eyes and let the searing needle instill that pain and moment in you permanently. Why avoid something in life simply because we fear the idea of something we think is going to be painful? And so I feel my heart burn and tear; this pain both sickening and welcomed. I feel so worn down as this eats me, and still I swallow each moment and breath it all in. What is to give light must endure burning, no? I want to feel. I want to feel it all; even the worst amongst the amazing is so inviting now.

Redundancy in my words now: inviting, welcomed, pleasures and pains. It’s just this state of mind and acceptance is alluring, but almost concerning. Where do we cross that road- walking along enjoying each inflicting rock we step on, barefoot? We cringe, smile, and then continue walking calmly into the next one. I’ve always found myself becoming completely engrossed with the morbid aspects of life… I remember observing my brother Christian, trying to fathom how he could smile and cut himself in front of me. How he accepted so much- after a lifetime of other afflictions. Then he was gone, and I found myself in his same age and feeling the same thing I saw in his eyes long ago. Such an intense realization in that, And I feel closer to him somehow right now, just as I did when I thought about this 7 or 8 years ago…

I've been so blatantly tired, I'm starting to fall asleep even while my friends are talking to me. Someone asked me if I ever just stop my brain from going miles an hour in a loop-and no. Between my attempts at abating apathy to being overwhelmed and tear-soaked, I've just been quite the mess lately. This year has got to be more productive. I can proudly say I truly did accomplish a lot of my goals for 2010. Let's see how well I can manage life this year, no? =p