And here we go...

New semester starting today; winter break blew through, as did Christmas and New Year’s Day. Would there have been more peace of mind if I’d written out all the negativity I’ve felt, that has unfortunately occurred through the holidays? Part of me still really tries to retain the child-like essence embedded so deep within my heart. I cannot help but see the winter time as a chance to be magical. To capture romantic moments, even in Florida. It’s my own doing, I suppose, when I allow myself to be so hopeful towards new memories that I try to envision and daydream about all year; to feel disenchanted once more. Why must there be so much cynicism? Hearing in every corner that holidays are overrated, or that just because they are broke it means it’s a bad year. All I asked for was a great memory, but ultimately, I guess that truly was such an impossible gift to attain.

And so here we go, on to the New Year. On to more growth and self-learning, observing, loving, dreaming. It doesn’t matter how many times I’m pulled back to reality, trampled by practicality- I will always be such a dreamer. To dream and see the beauty and hope that resides in everything; all the possibilities. I still refuse to allow another displeasing situation drag me entirely into such warming sorrows. That could be why it always stings a bit when my daydreams never become a truth, a real moment- a real memory. Nonetheless, it is a sting that is welcomed. Carlos wrote such a simple line not too long ago that resonates in such a familiar place for me- we are very much alike, it would seem. “It doesn’t hurt, it works into my soul and then I am warm.” I kept thinking about that yesterday. I went on a long walk with Sing after I got home, constantly finding myself in a state of flow. My sense of time has been awful lately. I’ve been in my head, my own world more so than the reality I’m slightly avoiding.
I thought about pain- and why I’ve been hurting more. Why I’ve been enjoying the hurt. Contemplating why pain and pleasure coincide so well together. What makes us have that bit of masochism? I am both intrigued and hesitant sometimes to really embrace the idea. It’s the entire concept of a tattoo; we remember each experience and analyze what level of pain to associate with it. My sunflower for Shannon hurt, but I invited it, accepted it because I knew the ending result was absolutely worth it. Also, once you leap and let the ink drop- you don’t stop. Close your eyes and let the searing needle instill that pain and moment in you permanently. Why avoid something in life simply because we fear the idea of something we think is going to be painful? And so I feel my heart burn and tear; this pain both sickening and welcomed. I feel so worn down as this eats me, and still I swallow each moment and breath it all in. What is to give light must endure burning, no? I want to feel. I want to feel it all; even the worst amongst the amazing is so inviting now.

Redundancy in my words now: inviting, welcomed, pleasures and pains. It’s just this state of mind and acceptance is alluring, but almost concerning. Where do we cross that road- walking along enjoying each inflicting rock we step on, barefoot? We cringe, smile, and then continue walking calmly into the next one. I’ve always found myself becoming completely engrossed with the morbid aspects of life… I remember observing my brother Christian, trying to fathom how he could smile and cut himself in front of me. How he accepted so much- after a lifetime of other afflictions. Then he was gone, and I found myself in his same age and feeling the same thing I saw in his eyes long ago. Such an intense realization in that, And I feel closer to him somehow right now, just as I did when I thought about this 7 or 8 years ago…

I've been so blatantly tired, I'm starting to fall asleep even while my friends are talking to me. Someone asked me if I ever just stop my brain from going miles an hour in a loop-and no. Between my attempts at abating apathy to being overwhelmed and tear-soaked, I've just been quite the mess lately. This year has got to be more productive. I can proudly say I truly did accomplish a lot of my goals for 2010. Let's see how well I can manage life this year, no? =p

Breathe. Keep breathing.

And so I've finally written something new. Decent? Who knows. You be the judge. I am waiting and so ready for my creative writing class this semester.

I hold my breath, yet breathe you in all at once.
Your fragrance is intoxicating.
My mind is like a film, and I keep just missing the moments.
Rewinding them back to see myself beaming
As the guitar strums fill the room,
With your voice following...
The myriad of images in which I am hypnotized by that look you give me,
And the tallness of your smile.
This moment is euphoric still in my mind,
Even if it was so fleeting.
Deep breath, and I am consumed by your love.
And I am tortured by the sorrow in your soul.

All at once everything comes crashing down and I am here suffocating.
You've cut off the supply of oxygen I so desperately seem to need.
I am absolutely terrified this will end in disaster,
Yet all too willing to throw myself in the depths of such despairs.
I have not felt the purity in such absolute loneliness,
As I do in this moment, In what seems like ages.

Which hurtful choice of drug should be pursued?
The endlessness that is my love for you?
Or the nothingness of apathy...

I hold my breath, yet breath you in all at once.
I am everywhere and nowhere.
Everything I want and fear is you.

All about some respect. =)

How about a justifiable rant about how ridiculous the women of my generation act? It's so embarrassing and degrading at times. Ladies have slowly dropped self respect for themselves, in so many aspects. Wearing a shirt that says "I'm not Ms. Right, but I'll F#!k you until she comes along." What kind of vibe is that sending out other than bad judgment and parenting? Especially to the girls a few years younger than us. Constantly referring to yourselves as 'bitches' is just asking to be mistreated.

Don't have the audacity to act offended when someone is checking out your cleavage when you dressed like a hussy for such a moment anyways. It's almost painful when I overhear 13 year old's talking about shot glasses, beer pong and all the different guys she's got, all the while dressed like she just came from a club. My mother would have beat my ass if I ever left the house looking like that. Where is yooo momma child? I'm also peeved at the lack of respect women have towards one another.

There's so much pointless animosity, pouring out into our jobs and personal lives. I will never understand the extensive desire to purposefully diminish another woman's intelligence and knowingly screw up a relationship, because you started crushing on their man. Please have some respect for yourself, grow up and move on to a better possibility. Why are you so willing to put yourself in a compromising situation, and inflict pain on someone, when you sure as hell know how it feels? You are so much better than all of that.

Perhaps you are speaking ill of a co-worker/acquaintance because you think she is prettier, and you are envious that she has many things you aren't capable of attaining? You can get what you want, find love, and find peace all in time. Just be real and be respectful, to yourself and others, Work hard, And things will fall into place as they should. That's allll I'm saying for now. I really could go on for ages, I get so feisty over this subject.

Side note: Also, do not pretend to be somebody else, it's not cute. When a girl walks in dressed and acting like Lady Gaga, I have to wonder to myself, How badly are you needing attention today doll-face?

On a serious note...

It's been four months and the throbbing sting on the wound still feels just as fresh. Not having Shannon here just seems so out of place and unfair sometimes. She still inspires me to write, as I contemplate my goals I hear her voice as if we were still discussing them together. Losing a best friend is pretty much like losing a piece of your soul, but always having her in my heart eases the burn. I've faced so many losses, especially in the last few years, but no one can ever explain or prepare you for when death hits so close to home. Eveeeen as we speak, I'm sitting here typing away about her and procrastinaaaating. Something we always fought about being the champion over. I suppose I should actually get ready for work and stop acting like a bum. Excuse me, like a writer. It would be awesome to get paid one day to sit in my pajamas and write things, eh? =P

Heartache coursing through me,
Still find it hard to breathe,
Panic stricken moments that bring me to my knees.
I know god has a plan,
But why did he take the best of us?
Questioning his reason and what's in store for the rest of us.
Guide me somewhere, Hide me somewhere.
Falling slowly, hope seems nowhere.
Today we might stay, tomorrow's unlikely.
I'll weather the storm,
Cause I know she's beside me.